This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
