either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
