I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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