Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
