I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
