Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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