Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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