She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
