A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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