Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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