Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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