ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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