what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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