Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
