He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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