My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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