he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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