Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
