I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
