she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
