Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize