if i can run in heels then i can drive
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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