I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hippo gnu deer
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
