i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
