my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
