when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
