I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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