you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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