ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
