That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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