I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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