I smell stomach acid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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