woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
