only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
