is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
