I am puke
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
