Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize