____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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