hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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