I hate your face
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
