WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize