Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
