Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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