dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish you could order shots online.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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