you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You ruined the universe
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
