You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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