we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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