I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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