I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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