this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
