I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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