I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
