Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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