I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
