You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why are your pants in the freezer?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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