She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
she peed on how many people?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
