Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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