Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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