I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
