Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize