Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
