we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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