Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
